Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Come on in and take your pants off
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
