He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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