i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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