I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
