I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
