4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
