I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
