Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
