we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
