So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
