Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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