PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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