And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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