Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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