$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
