make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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