After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
