He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
