Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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