She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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