i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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