He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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