whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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