3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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