Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
