i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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