He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Randomize
