Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
