how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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