you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
