We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I think my moral compass just broke
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
