So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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