she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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