My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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