As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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