Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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