i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
