I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
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Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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