just come out here and I will go home with you...
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Sorry about my life...
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
