I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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