god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
