I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
True strength comes from lack of pants
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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