I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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