Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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