what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
my being single is dangerous.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
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Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
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Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.