fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
