while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
