i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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