I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
