remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You made out with two different species that night
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
