I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
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