i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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