I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just forgot I was standing up.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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