I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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